Wilhelmina's Web Sundae with All the Toppings

NCIS Is Still The One to BEAT

2006-11-27T10:50:00.000-08:00

ZOUNDS!

Listen you little horse-monkeys! NCIS is still the best show on t.v.! You should watch my fucking show you scatter-brained nose-picking scum worms!

I won't sit idly by while you waste your life on shows like the Amazing Race (more like the Amazing Waste of Time!) or whatever the fuck you are watching! Watch the show and you won't be a king-sized roto-rooting anal-beast any longer!

NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS MOTHERFUCKERS!

I'm the REAL Mark Harmon! I know my shit!

felin gruvy

2006-10-20T13:26:00.000-07:00

im almist outa hear. work sux. gota rime for U.

buh buh buh buh
kick my rimes tite
like a gerbil's snatch
runin red lites
while U run off a batch
of my favrit popcorn
butter sauce
buttah watch out
cuz im a
*BLLLOOOOORRRRPPP!*
yeh
thats tite
i rite lik i talk it
gooie and pussie
like a boil's been popped

word to the pickles.

nigel is atit agin

2006-10-09T14:33:00.000-07:00

yeh nigel is atit agin he went on an al nite jerk binge and blew his sikining yelow jizz al ovr teh plastic covered couches in my grandmoehters family rum. it wuz sik an my granfather who doesnt C 2 gud he sat in it an watched Flavor of Love 2 all last nite.

ick.

nigel neds 2 b punisched for his deplarible beehuvior.

yo hey im da bee 2 da atch

2006-10-04T10:45:00.000-07:00

no wons notissed, but i hav reinvented myslef as a wrappr. let me bust my rimes on you all.

chikin
its delish
got my pmpd out snack cracker boxes
all up unside my tuna taco
yeh
chikin
im lik bones muhkoy on
star drek dig
sukin and blowin
on the Entrprise brig
chiklits n chikin
my bref smels gud
lik a minty turkey
on a BMW hood
yeh
chikin
its delish
i poop my pants
cuz
i repreznt
hershey bars and peanuts
check out deez nuts
on my chin
yo

word.

i am the gulag archipelago

2006-09-18T13:14:00.000-07:00

im a wraper chek out my rimes

i am a hooptie
rockin da mic
like suckin on
an aisan ta's
uh uh uh
i am girl u kno
like the gulag archipelago

yey

im like biggie and tupack all roled in2 1.

hapy labour day

2006-08-20T12:23:00.000-07:00

happy labour day evrywon. im bac frm my trip 2 teh south pacific. i hyung out in thailand for a while and then made a be line for the suez canal. after that, i stopd by juarez, mexico for a drink of strawbery wine ontop of the dunes facing east, wehre i pissd myself so badly i had 2 b taken 2 teh hospital.

anywy, im bak an betr than ever. but im havng a hrd time geting bak in2 teh swing of tihngs, if u follow my drift.

itll b a newd semester this upcming semester an i cunt wait for id 2 start.

did i tel u taht i got married? wel, tahts a story for another day.

not taht anyonw is reeding tihs website anymore.

dickweeezles.

c ya wuldnt want 2 b ya.

toodels.

4thof jily

2006-07-02T11:44:00.000-07:00

heya :-p...

hapy 4thof jily evrywon. nobudys at werk so i guiss taht 2day is the 4thof jily. 2day we celebrate the miracal of xmas when juesus saved evrywon from the hands of the briticsch. then the british nailed Him to a cross an then jesus farted an flew to teh moon but he returdn 40 nights later an beat the devil back an then signed the declirashun of indpndince relly, relly large but he sined it JOHN HANDONCOCK.

i got out of skool erly 2day cuz its sunday. the principle of my college sez i havta stay late on sundays so taht i cleen the blackboard but all we end up doing is givin him oral sex. i wuz told taht collleges dont even hav principaels but this guy swears on a stack of bihbbles taht its true.

but he sez he cam down wit sum sorta rash round his privates an he was coffing preddy hard so he culdnt make it 2day.

well, hapy 4th of july. i cant wait 2 see wht the eester bunny left under the menorah for me this yer.

my hero

2006-06-13T14:19:00.000-07:00

im doing a relly graet impreshun of my hero, kristophr walkin. can u tel? hey, why don u guys suc on my nuts. lik taht? taht wuz preddy gud, huh?

heres my impreshun of jack palance. hey, why don u suck on my salty nutsack.

im a geenus.

luv ya

mmoreal dae

2006-05-29T12:55:00.000-07:00

hapy 4th of july everywon. 2dae teh nashuns foundrs founded this nashun. tehy sined the dclirashun of indeepndnence an thats y we celibraet mmoreal dae.

im off 2 lite some fierwurks an grll on my patio.

toodles!

)*(
|.|
|.|
|.|
P-P

uhmericn idl

2006-05-24T13:37:00.000-07:00

i cunt wait 4 unmericihn idl tonite cuz it is my favrit sho espoecially when merk hurmin sings the ncis song doot dee doot dee doot.

i think tyler mcphee will win tonite on umerichn idoel. maybe her or the aisan guy. their both my faves.

woo hoo! im gunna start watching it now. i just cunt wait. even tho its not until tomorrow. or something.

toodles.

:-0

da vinchi cold

2006-05-21T12:11:00.000-07:00

heya :-) long time no speek. i saw da da cinchi cold yesturdy. it had amanda peet in it playing with mark harmon hoo ply 2 detectivs lookng 4 leeohnahrdoh da cookie. i ate so much popcorn cuz teh moovy wuz long that i threw up on the guy in frnt of me.

i think i hav a cold. i call it, da davinchi cold, cuz it makces me thro up.

see ya on teh flip sdie.

oooOOOOOoooo! Fired, Am I?

2006-05-12T06:12:00.000-07:00

oooOOOOOoooo!

I'm FIRED, am I? Well, I'll tell you what! Never fear, my pinky pee pee is here! I guess you didn't APPRECIATE my talents on Lost in Space? Have I nothing to ooooooffer you?

ooooOOOOOOoooooOOOOOO!

oooo!!

OOOOO!!!

OOOOOOOooooOOOOOOOooOoOooOOOOoOOOOOOOOO!!!!

That's all I have to say to YOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOU! Please break the news gently to the Robot! He'll miss me soooOOOOOOooo!!

Puh-ppp-puh-puh-pub-bb-b-bbb!bblih-lih-licccc Ruh-ruh-ruh-rrr!rr-ree-ree-reluh-luh-la-ayy-ayyy-shuns-sss!ss

2006-05-10T09:33:00.000-07:00

Huh-huhuhuh-hell!ll!luhluh-lo uh-uh-ev-vuh-vuh-ree-ree-wuh-wuh-one. Th-th-th-th-osssss!sse duh-duh-duh-dih-ih-icksss!ss a-a-aaaa-at guh-guh-guh-gue-gue-ss wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh-wuhat-t-ttss!s ih-ih-ihn muh-muh-muh-myyyy muh-muh-muhmmm!mm-muh-mou-mou-ou-ou-outtt!thhh ruh-ruh-ruh-rii!ii!-ih-igh-igh-ight nuh-nuh-nuh-now-ow muh-muh-muh-maaa-made-duh muh-muh-muh-mm!mmm!meee-me Puh-ppp-puh-puh-pub-bb-b-bbb!bblih-lih-licccc Ruh-ruh-ruh-rrr!rr-ree-ree-reluh-luh-la-ayy-ayyy-shuns-sss!ss Duh-duh-duh-di-i-i-!!i-i-ruh-ruh-ruh-rec-ccc!ct-t-t-tt!tt-t-toh-oh-oh-orr-ruhr.

Ii-i-i-i thu-thth-thuh-thii!ii!ink thuh-thuh-th-th-thaaaa!aaattt!-t thuh-thuh-they-ey-ey uh-uh-uh-aruhruh-are muh-muh-muh-maaaa!aaa!aaa!-kih-kih-king-guh fuh-fuh-fuh-fuhn nuh-nuh-nuh uh-uh-uhffff!fff!f!f!fff muh-muh-myyyy!y!y spuh-spuh-spuh-sppppp!ppp-peee!eee!eak-eakuh-kkk!!-king puh-puh-puh-ppp!p!!p!p!P!p!!Ppp-probbbb!b!b-buh-buh-buh-bleh-leh-lehm-mm!m!m!mmzz-ssss!s.

Stuh-stuh-still, ih-ih-ih-ii!it puh-puh-pay-ay-ayszss!ss thuh-thuh-the ruh-ruh-ruh-rent.

Feliz Cinco de Mayo, bbbbrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooo!

2006-05-05T10:59:00.000-07:00

Hey, mang! Chingate!

Como estas, bbbrrrooooooooooooooo?

Today is Cinco de Mayo! Dat means dat everyone, dey can sing along with me! I sing all the hits, mang! I'm internationale!

All those pinche cabrons y cabronitas who are making trouble for Mexicans by blocking traffic and not working, they are muy estupido, mang! I say, free burritos por everybody down by the deserted taco chops, mang! Brrrooooooo hoo hooooo!

So, everybody do some celebratin', mang! Everybody but dat muy feo Helen Tomas, mang! That puta, ella me hace el vómito!

Bbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooooooooooo por todo!

Gracias!

I Have Taken a Bride

2006-04-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

Last night, in a large ceremony, I have taken a bride. Her name is Helen Thomas. Last night, as well, we consummated our wedding vows in the most ribald manner, using sundry sex toys of the most diabolical nature. I shall describe the entire night after the wedding, to you, in detail:

It began with a thick dollop of SOUR CREAM placed strategically on my 90 year old taint. The air was muggy, thick and syrupy, with mosquitos. We were in the tropics in a thatched roof hut a dozen klicks from the nearest branch of civilisation. I lay there, jaw agape as Helen Thomas unleashed her vicious womanhood. Flies scrambled for the sour cream as Helen, my oh so sweet Helen, dabbed potatoe starch up her vagina with a soft, terry cloth towel. As the flies and mosquitos surrounded us, I thrust my scabbies ravaged member into the thick of her Thomas Fries. I remember the monkeys screaming and hurling their poo at our flesh love machine. A sour smell of boiled pork rinds perfumed the air, as her crotch produced a viscous liquor. We fermented in each other's arms for what seemed like eternity, but was, in fact, 2 minutes.

When it was done, I grabbed Helen's walker and trundled to the edge of the village and pronounced my undying passion for my new mate.

I hope you enjoy life as much as I.

It is now time that I return to Parliament. There is a very important indecency bill that I must vote for.

Good day to you, sirs and ma'ams.

eestr mundy

2006-04-18T08:44:00.000-07:00

i wnt 2 aunt francine hollingsworth's eestr partee on mundy. wen i got there there wuz nobody there. i sed, wut happnd??? and i got no answer.

so, then i went home an called aunt francine an she sed that eestr wuz on "SUNDAY." i sed wut r u takling about???? an she sed o.l.a.s.j.h.c. rose from teh ded on sunday an not monday so i sed is o.l.a.s.j.h.c. alive now an she sed no hes in hevin an i sed wut r u takling about????

eestr candee is haf of at teh suprmarkit. im gunna git me som.

toodls.

:)

ppprrrrtppptptptpt

2006-04-14T15:08:00.000-07:00

Hi! It's

*ppprpptptpt*

*ppeeeeEEERRRppptttt*

Uh oh.

Anyway, it's ME, Reese Witherspoon, America's Sweetheart and I'm fresh

*HHEEERuumptptpt*

*pt*

fresh from my OSCAR win an

*pt*

Uh

*pt* *pt*

Oh

*SSSPPPLLOOOOOOSSSHHHHH*

Oh. Oh my sweet goodness. I really slushed one out that time

So-RRY!

Fuck American Idol! Watch NCIS on Tuesdays at 8 p.m.!

2006-04-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

Crispy critters! I'm the real fucking deal over here! I'm the REAL Mark Harmon and you gonad-pushers oughtta know that NCIS is the greatest show I ever made! And I made Summer School, which if it was a painting, would be hanging in the muthafukkin LOUVRE!

Don't believe the hype! I'm the best!

"NCIS" faces stiff competition against "American Idol" on Tuesday nights, but the hit CBS procedural drama, airing at 8 p.m., is holding its own against the powerhouse talent competition. With episodes like tonight's "Iced," in which two young boys out for a lark discover a body frozen in the lake, it's sure to keep viewers tuning in."

No fucking doubt you engorged thyroids! You painful cysts!

They said my boyish looks almost kept me from NCIS! I told 'em, FUCK YOU! I'm the Real Mark Harmon and I am the MAN! Watch NCIS!

Boyish good looks nearly cost Harmon 'NCIS' role

"Series creator Donald P. Bellisario had written the main character, Leroy Jethro Gibbs, as a tough-minded former Marine gunnery sergeant but had no specific actor in mind for the part. "Someone mentioned Mark Harmon and I said, 'He's a pretty boy; I just don't see him as this character,'†" Bellisario said. But the producer reversed his thinking after watching Harmon in a four-episode 2002 story arc on "The West Wing." "I had envisioned the boyish Harmon, who was too good-looking, but I saw he now has a maturity to him," Bellisario said. Harmon was cast as Gibbs, whose investigative instincts and unblinking determination are lightly salted with extra-dry humor."

I'm a salty dog you tulip sniffing pansy pasters! Toss my salad!

NCIS, baby! With The Real Mark Harmon! Tuesdays at 8 p.m.!

Ah Got a New Song

2006-04-05T15:47:00.000-07:00

Mah good friend Hayandjob Wille wrote a song Ah'm gonna do a covah foah. He calls it *spurt* *spurt* CAT SHIT. Ah thought Ah'd sing it foah ya:

*spurrrrt!* *spurrt* *spurt*

*spurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrttt!*

*spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt* *spurt*

CAT SHIT

Oh, yeah

Ah think it needs a li'l work, but it'll do. It's mah understandin' that Willie's got hisself a #1 single with Capital Records, uhhhh-huh.

You're All a Bunch of Turd Burglars If You Don't Watch NCIS

2006-04-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

NCIS! What more can I tell you, you squinched up rat parts? You deserve to have your balls in a vice for not watching NCIS with ME, Mark Harmon!

I'M the real fucking deal! I'm the star of NCIS! I'm the soup to the nuts! I'm the salami up your crunt!

Wash the pap out of your mouths and watch NCIS Tuesdays 8 p.m. EST!

That's 20 hundred hours to you, fish-face!

hey nigel u liar agin

2006-03-27T16:17:00.000-08:00

nigel u r a liar i red on ur blog that u admited to jerkin of 2 da froggies, mang. ur a siko an i will tel owr parints abut ur fetish. u need hep.

nigel liks frogs

2006-03-26T13:45:00.000-08:00

nigel sneaked into the locle hih skool an jerkd of 2 teh frogs in formaldehyde. he sed taht he liks taht the frogs have their legs spread an taht tehy smel lik aunt francine. hes 1 sik fuk if u ask me. he wuz caught by teh janiotrs wit his pants down, using thumbtaks to pin one of the frogs to a tray. tehy hav dna evidence 2.

u shuld all send 2 dolrs 4 his defense fund cuz he mite go 2 jail for a loooong time.

charles nelson reilly is teh gudfathr 2 my chiled

2006-03-26T10:00:00.000-08:00

as u may no, charles nelson reilly is my gudfathr 2 my chiled. we had a baptism 2day jus me an merk hurmon and charles nelson reilly. denzel washington was the officiant.

bles me.

u hav no ideea

2006-03-24T08:29:00.000-08:00

i wint 2 noo yurk tihs weak an u have no ideea how many diks i had to suk in order to pay 4 my rum. U. HAV. NO. I. DEEA.

i tuk teh subway a lot an it smelld of pee. it wuz ok cuz teh pee wuz my own. i sorta lik teh smel uf my own pee. anyway, i walkd around harlem an i saw denzel washington and charles nelson reilly an reese witherspoon an morgan fereeman an judy dench an george lopez an the 2 guys from cheech and chong wutevr their names were all were in harlem just walking around singing the doot dee doo song ncis.

there was a coyote loose in centrl pirk. i saw him an he bit me. im goin to sue george lopez and judy dench about it.

ttfn

p.s. i lik ur picture

I'm Going to Blow My Little Green Stack this Friday

2006-03-16T08:51:00.000-08:00

Hee. Hee.

You'll never catch.

Me.

o' boy. me loife be a shambles. oi can't muster the excoitement for me fav'rit 'oliday, SAINT PATRICK'S DAY. oi prob'lee steal some cohcks, 'cause that's what people expect o' ol' Shifty Mcpenis. 'Ere comes Shifty, they be sayin'. He's come to steal our cohcks, 'e 'as.

and oi guess oi'll o'blige 'em. an steal their cohcks. put 'em in me bag an head off to me mushroom house and pot o' gold at the end of a rainbow.

*sigh*

oi wanted more out o' me loife, you know. oi wanted to be a barber. but, the fam'ly bus'ness kept callin' me. Aye, Shifty, me family said. Yer be a penish stealin' freak, ye be. an SAINT PATRICK'S DAY be the busies day o' the year. Now, go make yer family proud, you penish stealin' freak yer.

*sigh*

UPDATE:

Oi'd Loike to 'elp Yer

2006-03-14T10:16:00.000-08:00

Oi'd loike to 'elp yer, but ter foind the loins yer need, 'ou'll 'ave to kill the undead an' that ain't moi oidear of a fair foight. ow's 'bout some more ale...

oi. oi'm sad, oi am.

*sigh*

oi don't see much more point o' going on. me insides be tumblin' an' oi don't feel the luck o' the irish no more. more loike the suck o' the irish.

oi'll probably steal more cohcks.

oi guess.

o' boy.

Hee Hee! See Yer on Friday!

2006-03-13T07:30:00.000-08:00

It's me week, me lads and lasses! SAINT PATRICK'S DAY week! Hee hee! Shifty McPenis here to let yer know that Oim here everyday, stealin' cohcks from the righteous and unrighteous aloike.

Oi've been at this fer many a year. 6,752 of them, to be exact!

Oi'll be 'round on Friday, waitin' fer yers to get good n' drunk. Then, WHOOPS! There it goes!

Oim gonna wear me green jacket with the fucking green clovers and shit. Yeah. fuck.

oh, fuck it. oim a fuckin' joke, oi am.

o boy.

never mind. just. never mind. oim depressed, oi am. moy loife seems a raging void o' nothing-ness, it does. oi've been doin' this for millenia, fer croyin' out loud. MILLENIA.

what a waste of a loife.

ugh.

Aye! Shifty McPenis Here! Saint Patrick's Day Be Comin'!

2006-03-12T12:58:00.000-08:00

Aye! Shifty McPenis here! Me favorite 'oliday, SAINT PATRICK'S DAY be comin' up this Friday!

Oi'll be stealin' yer cohcks, me friends an' foes aloike!

Oi don't care if ye got pink eye or not!

So, zip 'em up fer if ye let 'em droop...

whoops!

there goes yer cohck! Fer that's what Oi do... I steal cohcks, I do. And Oim from Oireland and

oh geeze. sometimes oi feel me life is just a waste of toime.

I WON! I WON!! ffrrrpppptttt I frrrpppt WON!! SPLOOSH!

2006-03-06T10:16:00.000-08:00

*rffrrfffrrrppptttt*

*pttt*

*ptt-pttt*

I won the best Oscar a woman can *frrrggppttt* get!

*fffrrrpPPPPtppptttt*

Best Actress in a Leading *fprt ptt ptt* Role!

*ppprrt* I want to thank my *ptt ptt* FAN CLUB and my *frrpppyyttt* *gheeerppttt* Mother and my Father and my *hurmptttttttttttpt-ptptpt* Husband and WAH-KEEN FEE-NIX *prrttp*

*frppttt*

*pppttt*

*pt*

*pt*

*SPPPPLLOOOOOOOOSSSHHHH*

Oh, oh boy. I have to change dresses.

Oh boy.

Hola! Como estas, bbbrrrrrooooo?

2006-03-02T14:14:00.000-08:00

Hey, mang! Iss me, Señor Chip Butty! I sing all the hits, mang! I'm internationale, mang! BBBBRRRROOOO!!!

Si!

Tua madre esta una cabeza de ratone, mang! Bbbbbbbbbbbbrrroooooooooo hoo hoo hooooooooooooooo!

Gracias!

osgurs

2006-03-01T09:07:00.000-08:00

i cint wate 4 da osgurs on monday. i luv 2 watch them an i saw evry movie on the best picshure list, including NCIS, Lost in Space, and that otter one about the black driver. drivin miss daisy, i tihnk. i hope denzel washington wins for best screenplay. i also think merk hermon should win best actor. i also saw brokeback mountain an i hope that ang lee gets the prize for best foreign film.

im a moovie buf.

wut r ur pics for mondays osgars?

oooooooOOOOOOOOOooooo!

2006-02-24T07:28:00.000-08:00

That's Riiiiiiiight. I am here, and my penis is here, so never fear... SMITH, is here. I have been watching oooooold episodes ofmyfavorite...shoooow! LOST IN SPACE.

Have you seen the webpage with some of my more famous utterances! It's as delicious as Watermellon Bubblisious!

Here is a rather PROVOCATIVE picture of me and my friend, the ROBOT.
OOooooOO! How I slithered on up his steamy steel hole and placed my pinky peepee in it! OOOOOOOoooooooo! oooooooOOOOOO!

OOOOOOOooooOoOooo!

*spurrrrtt*

Take the Elephant Out for a Jog and Watch NCIS!

2006-02-21T18:15:00.000-08:00

It's ALRIGHT, you spineless rabbit carcasses! You can jog your elephant to me and the WHOLE FUCKING NCIS CREW! Are you watching it right now, you elephant jogging basket-cases?

TUESDAYS! 8 p.m.! NCIS NCIS NCIS NCI muthafukkin' S, you garbage handlers!

Never Fear! My Penis is Here!

2006-02-17T08:51:00.000-08:00

OOOOOOOooooooOOOOO! Helllooooo! I'm Dr. Zachary Smith, from Lost in Space! I'm simply WILD about the Sundae... of course, no one ever considers how I feel about matters... except that infernal Robot, who has a GLORY HOLE in the right place!

Danger Will Robinson, indeeeeeeed!

So, here I am, the smartest man you will ever meet, and my penis is just DYING to meet you!

frrrripppp Hi! Movie time!

2006-02-15T11:21:00.000-08:00

*prt*

Oh! I thought it would be a good idea if-

*rrrrrrrrpprprprprrrrrr*

Uh, if we reenacted some of my favorite-

*prrrprprprpptptptptttt*

Wow! That was wet. Anyway, we're going to reenact a few scenes of my favorite pornographic movie, The Six Swordsmen Meet Tamara Anne Moonier! See if you can guess the participants:

Swordsman 1: Uhh-uh-uh-I tuh-tuh-t-t-t-tuhh-hook yuh-yuh-yuhhh-your fuhh-fff-f-f-f-ffff!-fuh-fuhhh-huh-hucking puh-puh-puh-pants duh-duh-duhhh-d-d-d-down aaaah-aah-and suh-s-s-s-ssssss-suhh-stuh-startuh-started f-f-f-f-fuhh-hucking yuh-yuh-you.
Moonier: u shure did
Swordsman 1: Yuh-yuh-yuh-yuhhh-you l-l-l-l-luhh-liked ihh-ihh-it, duh-duh-duh-d-d-duhh-didn't yuh-yuh-yuh-y-y-you?
Moonier: of cors! hee hee did u?
Swordsman 1: Fff-f-f-f-fffff!-fuhh-fuh-fuh-fuck yuh-yuh-yuh-y-y-yeah!
Moonier: alrite tehn

(later)

Swordsman 2: How Hee hee, hee! how Hee! how's my dick Hee hee, hee! feeling Hee hee!?
Moonier: ur dikc goes gr8t babe! :)
Swordsman 2: Hee hee, hee!

(later)

Swordsman 3: Little mortal, did you take Me for a promiscuous person?
Moonier: Aye, among other things, me lad!
Swordsman 3: Indeed.
Moonier: Well, laddie, ye obviously knew Oi was!
Swordsman 3: That is also the case. Little mortal, might you know of the whereabouts of the fluffy little kitty?
Moonier: 'ow could ye tell? Hee hee, Ou'll never catch me!

(later)

Swordsman 4 (talking to Swordsman 5): Hey, y'all - we cayan't hear y'alls balls slappin', uhhh-uh. Come on!"
Swordsman 5 (thrusting harder): *Munch munch*
Swordsman 4: Heeit harder! An' get me a chicken-frahd apple pie an' some macaroni an' cheese!
Moonier (moaning): Shuhh-shuh-shuh-shuhh-hut thhhh-th-thuh fuh-fuh-fuh-fuck uhh-uh-uhp sss-s-s-s-sss-so huh-huh-he cuh-cuh-c-c-can fuh-fuhh-fuh-finuh-finish. Aaaah-ah-at luh-luh-least sss-s-s-s-suhh-somebuh-body wuh-wuh-w-w-will guh-guh-guh-get aww-aw-off tuh-t-t-t-tonight.

(later)

Moonier: This better not fucking end up on the internet, you roly-poly collection of crispy elephant ears! You shitgobbling fucknoses! Unless you fucking watch my great fucking antics on NCIS and give me some money, you suckers of dead women's vulvas!

(later)

Moonier: *prrrrrrrrrrrrrrp* You going to-
Moonier: *frprp*
Moonier: Oh! Finish this time?
Swordsman 6: i rily beleev she rily wnats to swalow my cum! :)
Moonier: I always swallow. *frrrrriiippprprprpp*
Moonier: What’s the point? You’re gonna-
Moonier: *sssssprrrrprprrrt* Oh. Oh, boy. You're gonna get some of it in your mouth anyway. You might as well swallow. *prp*
Moonier: Ewww! That one smelled. Anyway, I’d be really mad if somebody was-
Moonier: *rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrpprprprprprprrrrrpsstt* Uh, if someone was going down on me and, like, turned around to spit. That’s just not right. You have to-
Moonier: *eeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrptptptrrrp* You have to swallow. That’s just how it is. Now when-
Moonier: *prrrrp*
Moonier: *frrrrrrrrrrrrrrprprprsssrrrp*
Moonier: *pllllooppppppppppppppppprrpppppp*
Moonier: Oh. My God. I think I just shit my pants. Sorry, got to go!

*prrrtprp*

That's all we've got time for! See you next time!

*frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrip*

Valentine's Day Hee hee, hee! Apology!

2006-02-14T12:16:00.000-08:00

Hey, I got Hee hee, hee! I got Hee hee! I got Hee hee, hee! an apology for all you Hee hee hee dicknibblers out there Hee! who got offended by Hee hee, hee! my turtle picture:

Hee hee, hee! UPDATE:

pett tirtel 4 sale

2006-02-13T12:24:00.000-08:00

i hava pet tirtel. his name is franklin an hes been bothering me lately. hes always shoing his pirpel tirtel penis. i found him in the laundry room. i tried to flush him doewn teh terlit but his shell was 2 big so now im seling him on ebay 4 40 bucs.

I Shall Apologize

2006-02-12T17:15:00.000-08:00

Little mortals, I wish to apologize for the sickening photo posted earlier of the turtle genitals. I Myself found them to be barely acceptable, and My patience is as wide as the Milky Way Galaxy.

Clearly, the mortal calling himself Franky Buttafuoco is troubled in his mind, and requires the kind of professional help other mortal doctors provide.

I hope that you can find it in your little mortal hearts to forgive the posting of such a horrid picture. However, I do have one favor to ask: if you know of the whereabouts of the fluffy little kitty, please tell Me where she is. I have polished My shining, pearlescent horn so that it shall slide easily into her fluffy anus.

We have an appointment, and she is late.

Hee hee, hee! It's hard Hee hee, hee! to get around sometimes Hee hee, hee!

2006-02-09T13:35:00.000-08:00

People Hee hee, hee! make fun Hee hee, hee! make fun Hee hee, hee! make fun of me all the time. It's not Hee hee, hee! A fuckin' joke Hee hee, hee! a joke Hee hee, hee! a joke here!

I've Hee hee, hee! got a Hee hee, hee! a Hee hee, hee! legitimate problem here Hee hee, hee! So don't you Hee hee, hee! laugh Hee hee, hee! at me! If you Hee hee, hee! if you Hee hee, hee! you do, you can suck this:

It's a Hee hee, hee! a Hee hee, hee! turtle cock! Hee hee, hee!

Aye! Me Name's Shifty McPenis

2006-02-06T14:18:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to say, Aye! Shifty McPenis here! Oim a fuckin' self promoter, Oi am!

Whoops! There goes yer cohck!

Hee hee! Ou'll never catch me!

Fuck the SOTU! Watch an NCIS Re-Run Instead!

2006-02-01T08:57:00.000-08:00

You, the bathers in leech filled waters! Watch my fucking NCIS show! Did you see it last night? Or were you TOO BUSY jerking off to the SOTU address?

Here's a list of NCIS websites, you simpleton toads! You wallet full of mussels!

You bucket of spoiled pears! Watch my NCIS show Tuesday nights at 8 p.m. Know why the SOTU was on at 9? BECAUSE, you parade of shit-baggers, NCIS is on at 8 P.M.!!!

And fuck you!

UPDATE: Watch NCIS Tuesdays at 8 p.m., you snatch-coloured razor-bumps!

hey nigel u liar

2006-01-31T11:57:00.000-08:00

hay nigel u liar i just red on ur blog soemthing obscene u siko.

ps y dont u update ur blog more often u mite get more trafik taht way.

aynt 2 prowd 2 begg

2006-01-31T07:05:00.000-08:00

hiya :-+

i gut fird from my job as a suiside hotlne operater. c, it wuz nut my fault. it wuz, lik, 3 in the morning an soem guy cald. he sed he wuz deprissed, an he wanted 2 kil himslef, doo dee doo dee doo, an i wuz lik WUT R U TAKLING ABUOT???? an he wuz lik i dunno an i sed im geting kinda horny an i startd takling all dirty an stuff saying stuf liek i wanna sexxx u up an stuff an im nut 2 prowd 2 begg an describing my body parts an their various functions. so, teh guy sez hes geting kinda sexxxed up 2 an he starts breething hard an jus then my suprvizer bursts in an she sez she wuz listning 2 my calls an sed i wuz fird an i sed wut r u takling abuot????

so, i got this jhob at a locle news station as a fac chekker. i guess i chek facs 4 teh news. i don kno wut this meens but im not giong to sho up 4 work.

sad news about nigel, tho. he od'd on penis enlargement pills an is in intensivwe care in a coma. taht sic fuk.,.

Huh-huh-huh-huh-hello!

2006-01-26T13:05:00.000-08:00

Uh-uh-uh-uhhh-uh-I-i-iii huh-huh-h-h-h-huhh-huh-haven't ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-writtuh-tuh-written ihhh-ihh-in uh-uh-uh-uh-a luh-luhhh-luhh-luhhhh-l-l-l-l-l-luhhhh-long tuh-tuh-tuh-t-t-t-tuhhh-t-t-t-t-ttt!-tuh-tuhh-time, ahh-ahh-ahhnnn-and-

Uhh-uh-oho-ohhh-oh fuh-fuh-fuck it.

Send Back the Moose Dooky Soup and Switch on NCIS!

2006-01-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

Tonight, you towelrack gripping penile implants! Tonite is the nite for watching NCIS!

Light Sleeper (episode #60)

The NCIS team investigates a murder of two Marine's wives, and must find the murderers before they attack their next target - another woman!

Here's more on tonight's story!

“NCIS,” 8 p.m. on CBS. When the wives of two Marines are murdered, Gibbs (Mark Harmon) and the team fear the murders are racially motivated. Working together to find the killer, they must also protect another woman and her newborn baby who they fear are the next targets. Lauren Holly and Michael Weatherly also star.

That's right, you pimple popping horse-cock tag-teamers! I'm a civil rights HERO! I solve crimes that SAVE THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD AND I DON'T CARE WHAT COLOUR YOU ARE! Watch my show! Tonight NCIS! Put down the bag of giraffe hair, wipe the menstrUation blood off the remote and get DOWN AND DIRTY with NCIS!

You shrimp scribbling tarantula spooge grinding veal humping mud-strangers!

How I Invented the Chip Butty

2006-01-22T12:02:00.000-08:00

It was the fall of 1962. I was talking with a young Helen Thomas one evening at Crappersfield Wagons, a tavern in a particularly nice stretch of British forestry called Wenchtree Furrows, nestled in the Heart of the Rectal Realm, when she became quite drunk on Moose Dooky Soup. It was then that she grabbed a bit of chips from off my plate and stuffed them into her gaping vaginal Cavity which, to my surprise, was uncovered by britches of any sort. She then proceeded to grab the rolls from off the neighboring tables and yelled, "pass me the gravey, Wendell! I'm IN LABOR." Well, I had a reputation to protect. So, I took my first-edition copy of the War of the Worlds are ran screaming into the night. When I awoke, it was daylight. Battered and scratched from forestry animals who left their urinal spray and seminal fluids over my wool suit, I used pages from the book to wipe the fecal dust from my arse and thought, "that Ms. Thomas has quite a good idea."

I called it the Chip Butty, but you won't find the truth in Wikipedia.

Lord Assmunch is Consulted on the Naval Attack on the Dardenelles

2006-01-20T10:11:00.000-08:00

Sir Lord Assmunch, British member of Parliament from 1907 to 1991, kept a daily diary from the day he learned to write. The following describes a meeting with Prime Minister Asquith during 1915, a year into World War II. Here, Asquith has called Sir Lord Assmunch to deliver opinions as to how best to deal with the naval strike on the Ottoman Empire controlled Dardanelles, a region coveted by Czarist Russia and what should have been an easy victory for the Allies.

Famished, I entered into Asquith's library. I was hoping A would produce something I was interested in eating.

"Ah! Lord Assmunch! Please come in. Have a seat," said A.

"I prefer to kneel," I said.

"As you please. Lord Assmunch, as you know the attack on Gallipoli and the Dardanelles is not going well. After a naval assault, Allied troops have stormed the beaches and expected to pass relatively unscathed to Constantinople. Now..."

*munch munch munch munch*

"Lord Assmunch, what are you doing?"

"I am munching ass."

*munch munch munch munch*

"Oh! I say! Don't you care about the fate of the Allies at the Dardanelles? We've lost 30,000 men thus far! I need your opinion on..."

*munch munch munch* "I'm listening" *munch munch munch*

"Quite. Right, then. What do you think we should do? We should never have listened to Churchill. He got us into this war. Kitchener has been acting squirrely recently."

*munch munch munch munch* "Go on." *munch munch*

"Well, what do you think?"

*munch munch* "I think we should hold back the army from advancing. Let the Naval boys do their job. The Turks are cowards and will run when they see more fire power from the Great British Navy." *munch munch*

"Good show! Well done! That's exactly what we'll do! You are, as always, Lord Assmunch, the Voice of Reason in the British Parliament. As goes the saying, behind every great decision in the Realm is an Assmunch."

*munch munch munch* "My pleasure." *munch munch munch*

Note: By the end of the Dardanelles campaign, 120,000 British men lost their lives at Gallipoli.

I Play by My OWN Rules, You Simple Chimps!

2006-01-19T08:20:00.000-08:00

Hey! You! Dog breath! Been sucking down soy sauce at Bennihanna's again, huh? I got your 911 411 ABC's 123 right here you slap happy turd nipples!

‘NCIS’ playing by its own rules

Harmon plays Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs, whom the actor notes possesses many traits that “are very close to home” for the show’s creator — “work, work, work, coffee, coffee, coffee ... driving too fast.” But Harmon says his character is also definitely “the one you want in your foxhole ... not the one you want on your trail. He’s like a hunting dog.”

That's right, your bird-knapping fecal fiends! WATCH NCIS! It's on TUESDAYS at 8 p.m. EASTERN muthafukkin STANDARD somofabitchin TIME. For you dick slurping pigs out there in Indiana, you better get t.v. guide or something so you don't miss the greatest show ever on television! I'm a fucking football star!

"The son of Heisman Trophy winner and nationally acclaimed broadcaster Tom Harmon and former actress Elyse Knox, Mark Harmon was born in Burbank, California. While studying at UCLA, he quarterbacked the UCLA Bruins to multiple winning football seasons and was awarded the National Collegiate Football Foundation Award for All Around Excellence before graduating cum laude with a degree in communications."

And don't you forget it, you bear humping chip butties!

sivvel rites

2006-01-16T10:03:00.000-08:00

hapy mardin luhter king day evrywon. as u may remember, i 2 am a sivvel rites heroihn. i stood up 4 my rites on a bus jus lik rosie parks. u can look it up in the arkihves.

ok. so i started my new job as a suicide hotline opperater. i work from midnite to 5 a.m. last nite wuz my 1st nite an it was kinda slow. i sat there wishing for things to pick up. u kno, get some calls or soemthing. there wuz lik 3 cals the whole nite an i wuz thinking 'wilhelmina, i guess ur not popoolar.' so 1 girl cald an started cring and saying she wihses she wuz ded an i sed wut r u takling abut??? an she sed her life ment noting an i sed y dont u watch ncis this tuesday they hav merk hermon an she started crying harder so i sang the icns song doot dee doot dee VROOOOM dee doot an she hung up.

o well.

new job

2006-01-12T09:00:00.000-08:00

hiya :-)

i got a new job cuz i got fired from my fast food job for not coming in 2 werk fer lik, 2 months/. anyway, i loked in the papir and found an adverticement as a sherif. i went 2 where they were adverticing it an it wuz in some weerd church with a gold dome on top. they sed it was a mosc. i sed wuts a mosc an they sed wut r u takling abut??? an i sed wut r U takling abut???? an they sed we r muzlms an i sed wuts taht an they sed we pray to allah an they sed y dont u join us an i sed i dont like allah bred an they sed wut r u takling abut??? an they sed we can teech u the propper way 2 pray 2 allah an i sed al i want is a job an they sed wut job r u looking 4 an i sed theres a job for a sherif an i sed bang bang i can carry a gun an cleen up this town ha ha but dont shoot teh sherif an they sed no ha ha ha we r looking for a sher-eeeef not a sher-ihf an i sed ok my bad an i left.

so i took this job as a suicide hotline operator. i wuz told i werk the graveyard shift an they started laffing an i sed wut r u laffing abut???

so, call me.

Aye! Shifty McPenis Here!

2006-01-09T14:18:00.000-08:00

Aye! Shifty McPenis here! Caught 'ou jerkin' off to the ol' 'puter, Oi 'ave!

Oive been stealin' a bit of the cohcks, Oi 'ave. Recently, Oi've been drinkin' ale in a pub me lads an Oi frequent. Oi said to me lads, "Lads, here Oi am, a Leprechaun of 3,287 years of aige, an' Oi been stealin' cohcks loike Oi've always been, loike Oim a yungin' of 562 years. 'Ow 'bout some more ale?"

Oh, there was some cheerin' and laughin', to be sure. Then, Oi stole all of me lads cohcks and ran down the street, singin' me tunes, "lalalala." Oi, what a time I 'ad!

Just to reoind yer, SAINT PATRICK'S DAY be just 'round the corner. So, zip up, friends and foes aloike, 'cause ol' Shifty McPenis will be comin' roite for yer!

wurthliss

2006-01-08T14:22:00.000-08:00

som daze i feel wuthliss. lik 2day, i forgot about my babee and she hardened into some brown rok lik thang. it stil smeled bad lik she pooped herslef. so i took it back to the womb, by wich i meen the terlit. i dumped her in to revive her but she sank like a stone. then, some weird oils started coming off of her underwudder. she changed color and got smaler and smaler. i got so freeked out that i ran from the bahtrum skreeming.

2 hours later, wen i got back, she wuz gon. i lost teh babee agin for the last time.

so, i feel sad.

:-(

on the brite side the mouse trap i placed in my underwear drawre caught a big mouse whose name is nigel. now he has to mastirbite with bandages on. hee hee. ;-P

Did You Watch NCIS on TUESDAY? It was My Best Fucking Antics EVER!

2006-01-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

You plum brandy swilling swizzle sticks! Have you watched my fucking show yet? It's only the most popular fucking show on the whole planet! Guess what? My cock is standing at attention just thinking about next week's episode!

I'm in another show coming up! It's called "From the Earth to the Moon"! It's all over the news in INDIA, for goodness sakes!

"Zee Studio brings home 'From The Earth To The Moon', a one-hour mini series starring Tom Hanks, Sally Field, Mark Harmon, Chris Issak and Elizabeth Perkins from this weekend.

Set against the volatile world politics of 1961 as its backdrop, when Alan Shepard climbed more than 100 miles to enter the outer space. It is partly based on the book A Man on the Moon by Andrew Chaikin. The show is scheduled for Saturday at 7:30 pm with repeats on Sunday mornings at 10:00 am, starting January 7, 2006."

I'm the QUARTERBACK for NCIS! ANd don't you forget it, you crispy elephant ears!

Harmon is quarterback for 'NCIS' team effort

"A college quarterback in the '70s, Harmon is the sort of person who between takes goes to fetch bottled water for others, rather than expecting to be pampered himself.

"From the very beginning this has been like a team effort," says the actor, whose previous credits include playing doctors on St. Elsewhere and Chicago Hope. "We are going to make this work as a team, or we are going to fail as a team. It was always going to be all as one."

You violent nancies! You monkey spooge hurlers! I'm the greatest!

i haev to go bakc to skool

2006-01-04T06:57:00.000-08:00

wel, xmas brake is over so i haev to go bakc to skool. they haev a new chem ta who isnt aisan but loks indian becasue hes real dark and wares a bleu turbin.

unfrotunnetly i faled most of my clases so im takign them over again xcept for westren civ. i wnet to the teacher and aksed "wat kind of graid is an I" and he sed "its an incompleet becasue u mised so many clases" and i sed "wat are you TLAKING ABOWT" and started crynig so he gaev me a c minis. I selebrated by playnig the iscn song on my ipod and sang along to hark mermon al the way home on teh bus woo woo :)

cathc u l8ter alig8tor

:)

Oh! The Muthafukkin' Millions Watch NCIS!

2006-01-03T14:52:00.000-08:00

Hang on, you putrid anus-raiders! Have you seen the Nielsen Ratings? Or have you been too busy cashing in on your rump-riding frequent flyer miles?

Week of Dec. 19-25, 2005

15 KING OF QUEENS CBS 8:00PM
Mon Ratings 7.2 Households 7,964,000
16 NCIS CBS 8:00PM
Tue Ratings 7.1 Households 7,807,000
17 DEAL OR NO DEAL 12/23(S) NBC 8:00PM
Fri Ratings 6.9 Households 7,565,000

7.8 MILLION households watched me and my fucking antics on NCIS! Watch my show! I'm the fucking King of Tuesday nights! I'm ramming it into the backside of the King of Queens, teaching that fat fuck a lesson he'll never forget!

UNGH!

Are You Worthy of My Love?

2006-01-03T11:46:00.000-08:00

Greetings, little mortals. I have returned to wish all of you a happy new year. Know that My gigantic age and Cyclopean wisdom are so great that your human years pass before Me like the lives of mayflies: short, swift, and delicious.

As you move about on your amusing but ultimately pointless errands, make sure that you pause, however briefly, to consider Me in My pastel-hued glory and splendor. Stop and listen to the thrilling, soft music that heralds My coming, for it is there that you will find true peace and fulfillment. Indeed, your way to fulfillment goes through Me and only Me, for all other things, ideas, and concepts are but shadows cast by My glorious majesty.

However, you may find an earlier fulfillment if you but tell Me of the whereabouts of the fluffy little kitty. My pearly, beautiful horn thirsts to plunge itself into her fluffy anus. She is late for our appointment, and My patience is not inexhaustible.

Huh-huh-huh-hhh-hapuh-puh-puhh-peee Nuh-nuh-new Yuh-yuh-y-y-year!

2006-01-02T09:24:00.000-08:00

Huhh-huh-huh-hh-hhhh-huh-hello!

Ii-ii-i-iiii-it's uhh-uh-uh-a nuh-nuh-nuh-nnn-new yuh-yuhh-yuh-year, aaa-a-a-ahh-aaaah-and Uhh-uh-uh-I wuh-w-w-www!-wuhh-wantuh-wanted tuh-tuhhh-tuh-t-t-t-ttt!-to ss-s-s-ssss!!-ssuhhh-suh-say huh-howw-howow-how guh-guh-guh-g-g-g-gguhh-great uhh-uh-uh-it uh-uh-is tuh-tuhh-to huh-huhhh-huh-have thh-thhhhh-thhhh!-thuh-the opp-opp-opp-oppuh-opportuh-tuh-tuh-too-tunity tuh-tuh-t-t-t-to tuh-tuhh-tuh-talk tuh-hh-to yuh-yuh-yuh-you.

Uhhh-uh-uh-I nuhh-nuh-nuh-know thuh-thh-thhh-thuhh-that uh-uh-aaa luh-luh-lot uhh-uh-uhhhf yuh-yuh-yuh-you luhh-huh-like tuh-tuh-to muh-muh-muh-m-m-mmmmm!-make fuh-fuh-fff-f-f-f-fuhh-hun uhh-uh-of muh-muh-me, like thuh-huh-thhh-this aaa-aahh-ahhh-ass-huh-huh-hole, buhh-bub-buhh-buhh-b-b-b-b-b-but Iii-ii'm wuh-wuh-wuh-w-w-w-willing tuh-tuh-tuhhh-to luh-lll-lll-luhh-het buh-buh-b-b-b-bygones buh-buh-be buh-b-b-b-buhh-bygones, aa-a-aaa-and buh-buh-buh-b-b-bury thuh-thuh-thhh-thuhh-the hah-hahah-haaah-hatchet.

Huhhh-huh-h-hh-how uhh-uh-uh-abuh-buh-about uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-it?

Ah Oughta Kick That Crahbaby's Ayass, Uhhhh-huh

2005-12-28T14:50:00.000-08:00

Yah, it was a fahn Christmas. There was almost enough for me ta eat. Only bayad thang was that they stole mah .45, so Ah couldn't shoot th' teevee lahk Ah lahk t' do. Weee-yerd thang was Ah kept hearin' some kid cryin', which shore tried ta bring me down, Ah'll tellya whut. The fuckin' bawlin' was drahvin' me completely bugsheeit.

Ah won't tellya where Ah found th' dirty diaper, but Ah'll just say that y'all won't be seein' it no more, uhhh-uh. Fuckin' thang smelled like Satan's own ayasshole, mixed with Johnson an' Johnson baby powder.

Ah gotta hankerin' f'r one o' them chicken-fried apple pies, so if y'all excuse me, Ahm gone go out an' get me a blowjob anna snack.

Oh, an' if y'all see the Colonel, tell 'im he can kiss mah rosy reyed ayass.

dipers

2005-12-27T14:54:00.000-08:00

dipers ar relly geting expensive. wen u hav a babee taht poops as much as my babee, u spend a fortun on dipers.

so i wuz in lin at teh social security ofice and i tryed to get a social security number for my babee lori mark harmon bakker jr. i sed i had a babee an they sed were is the birf certificite an i sed i dont hav it an they sed how do we kno u had a babee so i shoed them an they sed i wuz a sic sic womin an they threw me out an were gonna charge me with terorism.

so, i had no luk at the post office, either, when i tried to get a social security number there. they sed i shuld go 2 teh police and register my complaints there.

burocrasy suks.

Merry prrrrrprprrrp Christmas!

2005-12-25T16:13:00.000-08:00

*frrrrrrrrrrrrrrip*

Hi! I found this great person that I

*prrrrrrpsssstptptpt*

Ooooooh! A really wet one. Anyway, I wanted to give this guest blogger the

*eeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp*

the opportunity to have his say on this

*prp*

*FRRRRRRRP*

on this

*prpprprprprprprprprprprrrrrrrrrrrrr*

Ew. Oh my! On this great blog. So, without further adieu (and wet farts, I hope), here's your Christmas guest blogger! *frrrrrrrrrpsssp*

WAAAAAHHH! huh huh BOO HOO WAAAAAHHH hunf *snf snf* boo hoo hoo booo WAAAAAHHH!! wawa hhahaaaa! buh buh huhu huh WAAA! BOO HOO!! Boo hoo hoo! uh hah ha ha hahhh hah WAAAHH!!! WAAAHH!! WWWAHAAAHHH!! boo hoo hoo *sniff* WAAHHH!! boo hoo uhu uhuh huh hhhhh WAAAHH!! boo hoo! boo hoo hoo hoo boo WAAHHH hooo WAHHHH!!!!Boo hoo hoo *sniff* *sniff* boo *sniff* hoo *sniff sniff sniff* uh hah hahWAAAAHHHH!!! WAAAAHHH!!!WAAAHHH!!! boo hoo!!! WAAAHHH!!! BOO HOO!! *sniff sniff* WAAHHH!! Boo hoo!! Hoo Hoo! Wahhh boo hoo *sniff sniff sniff* hoo hoo hoo waahhh!! boo hoo boo hoo hoo wahhh! hah hah waaahhH!! BOO HOO WAAHHHhhh! waahhh!! BOO FUCKING HOO HOO HOO WAAHHH!!

mery xmis

2005-12-23T08:16:00.000-08:00

im off to aunt francines for xmis. i hav my child with me and my ipod.

i aslo brought diapers becuz my babee likes to poop a lot.

areevaderchee.

Here I AM, FuckPutz! Watch My Fucking NCIS Show!

2005-12-22T12:01:00.000-08:00

Haven't been around? You been off buying my DVDs and watching NCIS? You ink-jobs?

Here's an update, you oily-little-nobodies!

8 p.m. on CBS
"NCIS"
As the NCIS team members try to build a case against Ari (Rudolf Martin) for Kate's death, they try to deal with their feelings about losing her. Gibbs (Mark Harmon) gets another shock when he meets the new NCIS director: Jenny Shepard (Lauren Holly), a woman with whom he has a past.

I am the one and only! I don't know Angie or Windsor fucking Harmon!
Q: I would like to know if Winsor Harmon, who plays Thorne on The Bold and the Beautiful, is the brother of Mark Harmon of NCIS?

A: The two Harmons have something in common, but not their parentage. Mark was an All-America quarterback at UCLA and Winsor attended Texas A&M on a football scholarship. However, that is the only connection.

8 p.m., mother-scratchers! N.C.I.Fucking.S.!

post partner depresson

2005-12-21T08:42:00.000-08:00

since i lost my behbee i hav post partner depresson, just like brroke shields. i herd she drove her car into som trash cans or soemthing cuz she wuz depressed after giving birth. an then i herd that mark harmon or tom cruise or somebody acused her of not knoing the history of sicologogy. so, i hav post partner depresson.

at lest i hav my ipod.

Cuh-cuh-cuh-christmuh-muh-m-m-mmm!-muhh-mas ii-i-i-is uh-uh-uhhh-almost huh-h-h-huh-here!

2005-12-20T08:11:00.000-08:00

Huhh-huh-huh-heh-heheh-hello!

Thuh-thuh-thuh-thhhh-thhh-thhh!-they wuh-wuh-w-w-w-wuhh-hon't luh-luh-let mm-m-m-m-m-mmmmmMMMM-me ruh-ruh-rrr-ruhh-wrap Cuh-cuh-cuh-christmuh-muh-m-m-mmm!-muhh-mas puh-puh-p-p-p-p-puhh-prrr-prp-presents thuhhh-thuh-thuh-thh-th-is yuh-yuh-yuh-year, ss-ss-ssss-so Iii-i-i-ii'm juh-jj-jjjj-juhh-hust guh-guh-g-g-g-guhh-going tuh-tuh-t-t-t-to suhh-suh-sss-s-s-sit uhh-uh-uh-around thh-th-th-thuhh-the h-h-h-howw-house aa-a-a-aaaand wuh-w-w-w-wuhhh-hatch tuhh-tuh-t-t-t-ee-vuh-vee.

Iii-i-i-i buh-buhh-buh-better guh-guh-guhh-get uhh-uh-uh-a buh-buh-bb-b-b-big suhh-suh-slice uh-uhh-uh-of huhh-huh-huh-honey-buh-buh-baked huh-huh-hh-h-ham wuh-wuh-w-w-with uhh-uh-a guh-g-g-g-guh-glass uhh-uh-of ehh-eh-ehhh-egg-nuh-nuh-nog, ohh-ohoh-or suh-suh-sss-s-sss!-some-wuhh-one's guh-guh-guh-gonna guh-guh-get puh-p-p-p-p-p-puhh-hunched ow-ow-owow-out.

It Is Good to Speak with You

2005-12-19T12:37:00.000-08:00

Hello, mortal beings. I am Starwilde, the Majikal Unicorn.

You may ask Me any question you wish, but know that My motivations are beyond the ken of mortals such as yourself. Indeed, it is possible that My words are even now going over thy poor, human heads, but I will endeavor to make Myself understood.

If you find it easier, imagine My voice as slow, yet paternalistic and loving.

Prithee, I ask that you find for Me the fluffy little kitty. My pearlescent, shining horn has an important appointment with her fluffy anus.

Thank you.

Incarcerated again.

2005-12-19T10:50:00.000-08:00

Once again, I find myself in that horrid insane asylum after having suffered, apparently, what the medical practitioners here refer to as an "episode." For the life of me, I cannot recall what this event might be, though I overheard one of the orderlies (the fat, leering one) making mention of the term (I shudder to repeat it) "fecal freak."

How perfectly vile! I have no...no interest at all in fecal matter, and I resent the implication otherwise. I've never heard anything so horrible in my life! I shall have to work hard at convincing the medical staff that I do not have an obsession with...with that substance, or even the most passing interest.

lost teh babee

2005-12-18T10:37:00.000-08:00

i cant beleeve it but i lost the babee.

as it turdnes out, my colon was blocked up with dookie from all teh medicines i ate at teh hoseptil. wen my idit botehr sneeked ex-lax into my choccy pudding this morning, i took a huge smelly dump.

then, i wasnt preggers anymore. my huge stomach was gone.

i was so upset. i dove into the terlit and saved him/her. im cradling him/her now and will name him/her merk harmon. hes/shes a litle slipry an hard 2 hold. uh oh i here a commotion in the bathroom next to my bedrum. their yeling about the watter all ovr the floor. goota run.

Fuck All the Other Harmons!

2005-12-18T10:32:00.000-08:00

Numb nutses! You! Kiss my uncle fannie, you miserable pus pockets! I'm in the news again!

What's the latest on Angie Harmon? Any relation to Mark Harmon?
Mike Mclellan, Mesa, Ariz.

No.

That's right, snot-rocketeers! Worship my fucking show! It's the greatest! If you haven't seen it, it's on TUESDAYS at 8 p.m.!

These Horrid Episodes Must Be Stopped!

2005-12-16T05:10:00.000-08:00

Good Lord! The last thing I remember is waking up from a nap and discovering a disturbing shrine to some cut-rate television performer calling himself Mark Harmon where my dresser used to be. Now my undergarments are strewn all about the bedroom (caked with very suspicious stains, I might add, the provenance of which is too loathsome to seriously consider), and dozens of photographs of this Harmon character taped haphazardly to the mirror.

Before another spell could overtake me, I managed to destroy the photographs by tearing them into small fragments and flushing them down the toilet. I also discovered that, despite some dental work I'd had done, my teeth still had some ways to go:

I shudder to think what might have happened to my dental health were it allowed to continue down its sickening spiral.

I shall be certain to quash any further references to this Mark Harmon person I see; from his writings, he is not only unbalanced, but profane, monomaniacal, and completely mad.

Stop the Presses and Turn on NCIS! I'm Mark Fucking Harmon!

2005-12-15T10:03:00.000-08:00

Greetings you turd-water specialists!

Especially YOU out there in Utah! Don't like my show, huh? You ass-bunglers!

Utah's disturbing priorities

Let's see, which program was moved to a later time slot because it contained images which might upset KUTV viewers? The 9 p.m. show with scantily clad models wearing lingerie or the 7 p.m. “NCIS” depicting a murdered woman chained to a tree with a heart carved into her bare back?
If you've lived in Utah long enough, you know the answer is the former.
According to KUTV General Manager David Phillips, “The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show” was moved to 12:35 a.m. because “last year there were a lot of complaints.” Results of a KUTV.com poll also showed that 61 percent of viewers thought the Victoria's Secret program should air either late at night or not at all.
Apparently “NCIS” didn't trouble KUTV's sensitive viewers. In addition to the scene with the aforementioned murdered woman, photos of a serial killer's 20-plus victims that he had brutally tortured and murdered were repeatedly shown.

Know what I got to say to you? WATCH MY SHOW ON TUESDAY NIGHTS! It's on at 8 p.m., you tone-deaf koalas!

Haven't you seen Summer School yet? It's the greatest film ever, fucknoses! Buy it for Xmas on DVD! I share peanut butter with a dog! I'm a comedic fucking genius and all you do is kiss my beaner for a living! Here's someone who gets it!

You cupcake killers! Watch NCIS and stop your incessant turd burglaring!

Watch my show on DVD, Fuckface! I'm Mark Fucking Harmon!

2005-12-14T08:49:00.000-08:00

Assholes! I'm coming to DVD! That's right! NCI fucking S, motherfuckers!

I'm ALL OVER the fucking news! You can't stop me! You can't even CONTAIN me!

"NCIS," a Tuesday drama with Mark Harmon, is pulling in 18 percent more viewers this season than last.

You like that, you cornholing charlatans? I got more where that came from!

NCIS becomes a hit by stealth

"NCIS," CBS' Tuesday night drama about agents of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service, is now an undisputed prime-time hit, reaching a personal-best fifth place in the weekly Nielsen standings recently. Key word "now."

What's really remarkable about "NCIS" is not that it has become a hit. Bellisario has a legacy of prime-time success going back to "Magnum, P.I." and continuing, most recently, with "JAG." It's that "NCIS" has grown into a top-10 stalwart so quietly.

Emmy nominators have ignored it [You dog-ass-licking fiends at the Academy can kiss my beaner!-- ed]. It rarely appears on critics' best-of lists. Entertainment Weekly, the bible of pop-culture trend-worthiness, is more likely to feature a ratings-challenged series such as "Arrested Development" on its cover. TV Guide has showcased "NCIS" stars, but then again, TV Guide puts NASCAR drivers on its cover. "NCIS" is a stealth hit, loved only by the viewers who love it.

I'm a hit-machine, retard! First Summer School, and now this!

1. Mark Harmon: The onetime UCLA football star that People once declared the sexiest man alive is now, at age 54, an accomplished actor who, in a great TV tradition pioneered by James Garner, manages to make it look as if he's not trying. His NCIS special agent, Jethro Gibbs, is one of those hard-shelled, soft-centered guys' guys Bellisario loves to write, a clear-thinking, decisive leader in whose crankiness his subordinates take an almost masochistic pleasure.

Harmon is unfailingly modest about his importance [That's right, you llama loving buffoons! I'm Modest with a capital M! -- ed]. In a telephone conversation, he praised his supporting cast's ability and amiability. "This cast likes each other," he said. "Honestly likes each other. We have a good time doing it, and that's what you're seeing on the screen.'' He also gushed about Bellisario. "He's a rare bird. I've worked with Aaron Sorkin. I've worked with David Kelley. He does more than any of those people. He writes, he produces, he directs, he edits. And he's 70 years old." Still, Harmon is as much the centerpiece of "NCIS" as Tom Selleck was of "Magnum." Bellisario likens him to a quarterback, which of course Harmon was.

I'm loved by millions you parade of pigknuckles! You army of stinky apes! Watch my show on TUESDAY NIGHTS at 8 p.m. EST!

I'm the REAL Mark Harmon!

2005-12-13T11:53:00.000-08:00

You fuckbags! I'm the REAL Mark Harmon! Check out my profile!

I'm on a show called NCIS! Not ICNS or CINS or SINC or any other combination!

And I'm not on the stupid show JAG!

Did you read about how well my fucking NCIS show is doing, huh? You miserable bags of snot?

Here is the article, you parade of pigknuckles!

'NCIS' gaining momentum

Three cameras instead of the usual one are relatively rare for location filming -- especially in dramatic television. But this is the CBS military crime series "NCIS," created by veteran TV producer Don Bellisario, who's known for bringing a cutting-edge look to his shows. "NCIS" (8 p.m. EST Tuesdays) was spun out of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service characters introduced in the now-concluded military series "JAG," also created by Bellisario.

Although it's never attracted the buzz of the network's top-rated forensic drama "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" and its two spinoffs, "NCIS" has been steadily picking up viewers and now, in its third season, is the No. 8 show in prime-time ratings, attracting about 17 million viewers each week!!!!! [you miserable cocksuckers-- ed.].

Watch my fucking show you fucking apes!

Oi!

2005-12-13T09:48:00.000-08:00

Aye! Shifty McPenis here! Been trundling down the street, I 'ave! Been trundling for penises! Made a poem of me own, I 'ave!

Aye!
Shifty Mc-
Penis here!

Oid loike to
'elp
YER!

Oi do a bit
of
stealin' of the ol'
and the new
COHCKS
I
'ave!

Zip up
Me lads!
Worship me,
Ye lasses...
'Cause this penish stealin' freak
Be comin' to yer house
for
SAINT PADDY'S
d
a
y
.

Ho ho! Oid Loike to 'elp YER!

2005-12-12T13:30:00.000-08:00

Aye! Shifty McPenis here! Been up to stealin' a bit of the cohcks, I 'ave! Oim 'ere oo let yer know that St. Patty's day is just around the corner, me lads and lassies! It be me favorite 'oliday, it is!

And do oo know whoit oi do on that 'oliday?

That's right! Oi steal cohcks, I do!

Unfortunately, moi exploits 'aven't been as well documented as of late. Oi'll 'ave to talk to the management about that. Oi can't be expected to steal cohcks all day AN' be a writer of great productivity.

Well, oim off to do what oi do best. Steal cohcks, oi do!

So, zip up, me lads, or face the dire consequences. Now, repeat after me:

"Oid loike to 'elp yer, but ter foind the loins yer need, you'll 'ave to kill the undead. An' that ain't moi oidear of a fair foight. 'Ows about some more ale?"

Hee hee! You'll never catch me!

Fuckin' bugs.

2005-12-12T07:09:00.000-08:00

Just wantedtuh tell y'all that Ah stomped onna big ol' buncha bugs Ah saw in mah underwear drawer. Dumped 'em all out an' did a boot party on 'em, uh-huh.

Now if Ah catch the mutha who's been spankin' his monkey all ovah mah shorts, Ah'm gonna make 'im wish 'ed nevah laid a hayand on 'is johnson inna first place.

Ah got so mayad Ah shot mah .44 raght inta the teevee, uh-huh.

Uhmmmm-hm.

2005-12-09T13:27:00.000-08:00

Y'all dumbasses thawt Ah dahd onna terlit, but Ahm here t'tell you that Ah ain't passed on. Ahm still here, an' Ah don't plan on goin' nowhere anytahm soon.

Woke up inna room o' some big ol' howse fulla girly shit, which is somethin' Ah plan to get fixed, once Ah get someone ta make me about sixteen peanut butter 'n' nanner sammiches. Got me an appetaht. Dunno whut the fuck happened to mah teeth, though. Yeah, Ah let mahself go in the last few yeeears, but Ah usually done took cahrea mah teeth. Man's only got one set of 'em. Funnah thang eeis, when Ah got mah ass outta bed, Ah saw some joker'd strapped a piller 'round mah waist lahk a had a big ol' gut. Well, lahk a hadda BIGGER ol' gut. Damn, Ah'm hongry.

Could also use a blowjob. An' a bucketa extra crispy, mmmm hm.

If y'all see the colonel, tell 'im he can kiss mah ass.

shoing

2005-12-09T08:20:00.000-08:00

as u kno, im prignint. i haveta by al nu clothes now cuz my belly is big. its like i hav twins in tehere. or maybee fins, u kno, five chilrdren.

i decided to name my child mark harmon if its a boy. if its a girl, i decided to name her Lori Bakker, after my fave televangelist. or, i mite name her blossom, after my fave sho. or i mite name her cristina aqwilerra, tho that mite be 2 ethnic.

anyhoo, im off to eet pikles and icecreem. toodles.

preggers

2005-12-08T09:06:00.000-08:00

im pregnint.

i dont kno how it happnd. i mustve ben asleep or soemthing cuz when i wint to the docturds today, the docturd sed im pregnint. i sed r u sur an he sed yes an i sed relly an he sed the rabbit died and he smiled an i sed wut r u takling about????

so, i asked how long an he sed im 2 weeks preggers an i sed how did it happn an he sed dont u kno??? an i sed yes i saw a sho on the disney chanel and it was about lions an he sed huh an i sed lions an he sed did they hav sex an i sed no they just ate echother and he sed huh an i left.

so, ive ben thincing of namin my child mark harmon. doot dee doot dee doo.

Hi! It's Always a Treat to Talk to You!

2005-12-06T11:35:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone!

Wilhemina left without saying good-bye, so we decided that we'd send some of us to stow away in her semen-stained panties so we could stay with her all the time. Isn't that great? We know she'd miss us if we were gone entirely from her life! You know, we so enjoy-

*prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrprpt*

Wuh-wuh-w-w-w-wuhh-huh-hut th-thh-thhHHH!-the ff-fuhh-huck's guh-guh-going oh-ohoh-on huh-huh-her-

Oi'm glad Oi managed to get moy arse out of that hole, Oi aym! Back to stealin' cohcks, Oi'll be, oncet Oi-

At least my mother had the decency to remove me from that horrible asylum! Vile place, full of lowbrow orderlies that would wink and leer at me at a moment's noti-

Hee hee, hee! Someone get this Hee hee, hee! Hee hee, hee! this parrot Hee hee, hee! parrot Hee! off my dick Hee hee h-

boy does my hed hurt ill go get some asprins. did you no that i fixed my ipod? yeah al itn eeded was a batery so i stole 1 from nigel's dildo and pluged it in so now i can lisen to the iscn song with hark marmon woo woo! :) ill taek a nap aftre the asprins. chow! :)

excape!

2005-12-05T12:57:00.000-08:00

hiya :-0

im outside now. its cold. im in my cloths. butt now i dont hav my medicine botle anymore.

anyway, i left the hospital. now im tiping on my laptoppe at skool. my mom got me out an sed im no longer a danger to yusef and otters, butt i dont kno who yusef is an i never wanted to hurt otters. so, whatever.

anyway, i lost my ipod an cant listin to the theme song from naval recuriutment judiocial JAG investigitions sho. i missd so many episodes while in the hoispital that oi dont think oi shud watch the show anymore. not only that, but merk hurmynn sed hateful things in the coments sextion that hurt me an hes no linger my frient. jirkuf.

so its finals week almust an i still hav to take my english final and my wisten civ final. im reeding about grease and now the geek trajedies, like antigunny and ediputz ricks. ediputz tok his eyes out cuz he wuz asked 2 many questions abut his sex life. its trajick.

so hey, if anyone wunts to take my final exams for me id appreeshiate it. id make it worth your wile. :-0

prrrrrrrffrrrt Hi!

2005-12-04T07:40:00.000-08:00

Hi there! It's been so long since we've had a-

*errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrptptpt*

Oh! Sorry. Anyway, it's been so long since we've had a little chat. I know my fans-

*rrrrripppp*

*fffrrrrrrrrrrrrrripppppppppt*

My fans-

*prprprprprprpr*

My fans just love to hear from me! I'd like everyone to know-

*rrrrrrrrppppprprprprprprprprpprprprpppppppppp*

*frrrrippp*

*prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrptptpt*

That I'm on a new high-fiber-

*prrrp*

Uh, high fiber diet, so my, uhm, problem-

*peeerrrrrrptptptptptttt*

*frrrrrp*

Oh! Oh, my!

*spppppppppplllllttttptptptptttptptptprrptptptptprtrtrrrrrrpppppppppsst*

Oh. My Gawd. I think I just shat out my ribcage. Sorry! Talk to you later!

Guh-guh-g-g-good Uh-uhh-aaa-afff-aftuh-afternuh-nuh-noon!

2005-12-02T10:08:00.000-08:00

Huhhh-huh-hell-huh-hello.

Uhh-uh-I-iii-i Uh-uhh-am tuh-t-t-t-tt-rrr-tuh-trying tuh-to huh-huhh-h-h-hhhhhhhhhh-have uhh-uh-a ruh-ruhhh-ruh-real cuh-cuh-conn-vuh-vuh-convuh-conversss-suhh-sashe-sation wuh-w-w-w-wuhh-hith suhh-suh-suhh-home-wuh-wuh-w-w-w-one nuh-nuhhh-nnn-nnnNN!-named Ffuh-fuh-fuh-ffff-fuh-hrilly-tuh-tuh-tuh-t-t-t-ttt!-tooth-pup-pp-p-p-p-ppuh-hicks. Uhhh-uhn-unfff-fuhh-fortunately, uhh-uhh-it's ehh-eh-enduh-ending uhh-uh-up luh-huhhh-luh-like muh-muh-mmm-muhho-most cuh-cuh-conn-vuh-vuh-convuh-converss-suhh-sashe-sations Uhh-uh-uhuh-I huh-huhhh-hhhh-have thuh-thuh-tthhhhh!-thuhh-hese duh-duh-duh-days:

Fff-f-ff Tuh-tuh-t: Cause you're creepin' me out. It's okay... Go on with your strange comments... I'll embrace it from now on.The reality is ... it's hard to read you're stuttering comments.

Mmm-mmuhh-huh-muh-me: Uhhh-uh-uhh-I-ii uh-uh-uhhp-ap-apolojuh-jjjjuh-apologize. Uhh-uh-uhhhhhhhhh-it's juh-juh-jjj-juh-hust th-thhh-thhhHHH!-thuhh wuh-wuh-w-w-way Uh-uhh-Ii tuh-tuh-t-t-t-t-tttttt-tuh-halk.Puh-puhh-uh-puh-p-p-peeep-puh-people muh-muh-muh-mmm-make fff-fffFFFF!!-fun uh-uhhh-uhf-of muh-muh-me uhh-uhh-huhuh-all th-thhh-thuhh tuh-tuh-tuh-t-t-t-time, luh-hike thuh-thuh-this uhhh-uhh-aaa-asss-uh-asshuh-huh-hole:

http://whatsinmymouth.blogspot.com/

Uhh-uh-uhh-I-i-iii tuh-tuh-tuh-teh-tell huh-huh-him uh-uhhh-uh-all th-thhh-thuhhh-the tiii-t-t-tiime tuh-tuh-to cuhh-c-c-c-uhhh-huhh-cut ii-ii-it thuhhh-thh-the fuhh-huhh-fuhh-huck ow-owow-out, buh-buh-b-but huh-huh-he duh-duh-d-d-uhh-hoesn't luh-luh-luh-listen.

Thuhh-th-thhhuh-hanks fuh-fuh-for tuh-tuh-tuhh-take-tuh-taking thuhh-thh-thuhhh-the tuh-tuh-time t-t-t-t-to unn-uhn-uhnnn-uhnduh-duh-understuh-stuh-stuh-stand muh-muh-muh-m-m-mmmmm-mm-mmmmMMMM!-me.

Iii-ii-i juh-juh-jjjj-juhhh-just wuh-wuhh-wuh-want tuh-tuh-to buh-buh-bb-b-b-be uhnn-uh-uhnnduh-under-stuhhh-stuhooo-stood.

htis suks

2005-12-01T15:46:00.000-08:00

hey guys

tohse retarts broke my ipod so now i cant lisen to the nsic song with merk hermen woo woo. it mite be out of bateries. some 1 aslo stole my medicine botel so i haev to find somethnig else 2 maistyerbite wiht.

it tunrs out taht choccy puding wasnt ont he menu befroe so i ate lyme jelo which was ok. the wierdest thnig tho is the boxing gluv i found under teh matres. i wonder who put it their? tehy aslo put some boby pins and a few dolars in the gluv so i left it their incase they wnated it bakc l8er.

nigel that prevert came by yesterday to drop of some cleen clothes but al my panties had crusty wite stains on tehm. he denied it of course but i know he was jerknig of ALL OVER TEHM>

Who Is RESPONSIBLE for This?

2005-11-30T11:38:00.000-08:00

When I last awoke, I found myself in a hospital bed clutching a rather sticky empty medicine bottle! I won't try to describe the smell, so I threw it away. After knocking on the (locked) door several times, my efforts were rewarded by the arrival of a very large orderly who insisted that I return to bed. Not being at all tired, I refused, and demanded to speak to a doctor. The hypodermic the orderly subsequently produced persuaded me to temporarily slip back between the sheets.

After an absurdly long interval of time, a rather milquetoast fellow with small, round accountant's eyeglasses and a white coat entered my room (without knocking, I might add) and informed me that I had been incarcerated here without my consent following something he euphemistically referred to as an "episode." As politely as I could manage under the circumstances, I asked when I might be let out, to which he replied, rather evasively, "That depends on you, Wilhemina."

The nerve!

Sensing that I was not likely to receive satisfaction through overt means, I informed him that I would do whatever was necessary to improve my mental health, while keeping thoughts of escape in my heart. Apparently satisfied, the little man left.

Unfortunately, all I could find to entertain myself was a remote control for the television (horrid thing, the television) and what appeared to be a set of headphones plugged into a small hole in a rectangular stone the size of my palm. How odd. I now occupy my time with thoughts of escape.

Despite this place purporting to be a hospital, the "doctors" have done nothing to fix the appalling state of my teeth. I shall see to them as soon as possible.

did u her taht?

2005-11-29T10:39:00.000-08:00

did u here that? its like a chewing sownd, rite beind my eers. i keep slapping at it but it wont go way.

thnak goodnes i have my medicine botle to keep me compiny. tho, its geting stiky.

so, today they let me walk outside. i saw a bird and some wind. i felt gud fer teh 1st time in a looooong time so i started whistling the nisc song that my gud frend merk herman sings at the begining of my fave show. it goes doot dee doot dee doot.

i also got a visitor. it was that english ta from a while back. he sed hes sory he did tehis to me an i sed wut r u talking bout and he sed about the ilnes and i sed im not sick i feel gud doot dee doot dee doot an he sed he cant stop thinking about it an i sed wut an he sed u know an i sed wut r u talking abouyt??????? so then visitng time was over an he left.

tehy had choccy pudding 2day. yum.

Pleased to Meet You!

2005-11-29T05:46:00.000-08:00

Hi! We're the bugs on Wilhemina's wall! We're also the bugs that frequently crawl all over Wilhemina's neighbor Harriet! We're just so happy to say hi and get to know you better!

I'm sure we'll be seeing each other very soon! Don't be a stranger now, and drop us a line! We'd love to hear from you!

The Bugs

Oi'd loike to 'elp yer!

2005-11-27T12:32:00.000-08:00

Aye! Shifty McPenis here! Oim a foitin' Oirishman, oi am! An oi've just been stealin' cohcks, oi 'ave! Oi also loike to repeat what I jus' said after me sentences, oi do!

So, if yer lookin' for troible today, ou've found it, you 'ave! Oim in a foitin' mood! Jus' click on me profile an look at me foitin' stance, wit me arms all up for foitin', they are!

I--i-iii-i Fufh-fuh-fee-feel-luh Luh-luh-liii-like Suh-suh-sin-sin-gug-guh-ging

2005-11-27T09:31:00.000-08:00

Wuh-wuh-wel-well huh-huh-hullo uh-uhever-ruh-ruh-ree-buh-bah-bod-duh-duh-dee! I-i-i-i fuh-fuh-fee-feel-luh luh-lii-i-ikuh-ike suh-suh-siii-inguh-ging-iii-ng suh-suh-suh-some tuh-tuh-too-toooooo!ooo!!!!ooo-tunes; uh-uh-i-i-i-i uh-uh-aa-a-am in thuh-huhuhuh Cuh-cuh-cuh-rii-rrr-risssss!stt-t-tmuh-muhmuhmuhmuhmuhmuhmuh-musuh-sss Suh-suhsuih-suh-spi-spi-spirit:

uh-uh-ahem...

Suh-suh-suh-siii!-!ii-luh-lun-lent nuh-nuh-nii-iite, Huh-huh-hoh-hoh-holluh-holee nuh-nuh-nii-i-ite,
uh-uh-all-l-lul-luh uh-uh-i-i-issss cuh-cuh-cuh-calm, uh-uh-uhaaaall uh-uh-i-i-isss cuh-cuh-cwy-cwy-quiet...

mmm-mmm-mmmm-mmm-m-muh-muhmmm-mmmm!

id rater b shoping

2005-11-25T08:25:00.000-08:00

hey evrywon im in teh hospital now an i just ate my thnaksgifing tirke. i had cranbery sawse andd yams 2. it was delish. i also had 15 difrent pils full of stuf. boy taht tirke makes me sleepee. must be the triptofane.

so teh wont let me out but i still managed to blow soem male nurse today to get extra hellpings of tirke gravy. i figired i owed it to him cuz he wuz an aisan minority.

so 2day i watched teevee but i wuznt on it. so it dindt interest me overly much. i then took a walk but i culdnt leeve the hospital so i walked down to the end of the hall and then walked back and then got sleepee agin it mustve been teh triptofane cuz they found me maistyerbiting with an empty medicine bottle.

teh roomate next door 2 me is crazee. she sees bugs all the time. i only c them soem of the time. they say hello.

Huh-huh-hhh-h-huh-hap-huh-happy Thuh-thh-thhh!-thanksss-guh-g-g-guh-givvvving!

2005-11-24T06:54:00.000-08:00

Uh-uhh-uhhhhhhh-Iiii huh-huh-huh-hhhhope thuh-thuh-thh!-thuh-that uh-uhh-uhhe-evvv-everywuh-wuhhh-one huh-huh-hhh-has uh-uhh-a huh-huh-hhh-h-huh-hap-huh-happy Thuh-thh-thhh!-thanksss-guh-g-g-guh-givvvving.

Uh-uhh-uh-Iii puh-puh-p-p-p-pp-puh-puhh-puhh-hlan tuh-tuh-to ee-ee-eeeeee-EE-eat luh-luh-lll-lots uh-uh-uhhh-oh-ohoho-off tuh-tuh-tuh-ttttttt-turkey uh-uhh-uha-and duh-duh-ddd-druh-druheh-druh-druhhessing.

Thuh-thuhhhh-th-thhhh!-thuh-hose uh-uhhhh-uh-uh-ass-huh-huh-holes buh-buh-buh-b-b-better jjj-jjjj!!-just puh-puhp-prop muh-muh-me uh-uh-uhhpp ii-in fuh-fuh-fuh-front uh-uhhh-ovvv-of th-th-thhhhhhhhhh-thuh tuh-tuh-tee-vee uh-uhh-uh-ahh-ahand luh-luh-let muh-muh-meee uh-uhh-uh-alone.

Hee hee, hee! Fuck Hee hee, hee! Fuck you!

2005-11-23T13:06:00.000-08:00

Hee hee, hee! Hey, douchebags. Hee hee, hee! This is Hee hee, hee! This is Hee hee, hee! Franky Buttafuoco. I work Hee hee, hee! as a Hee hee, hee! mailperson. This fuckin' Hee hee, hee! Nigel guy is totally Hee hee, hee! Hee hee, hee! off his fuckin' Hee hee, hee! Hee hee, hee! off his fuckin' Hee hee, hee! rocker.

Are you Hee hee, hee! you going to Hee hee, hee! going to Hee hee, hee! gonna Hee hee, hee! fuckin' listen Hee hee, hee! to a fuckin' Hee hee, hee! a fuckin' Hee hee, hee! pansy who jerks Hee hee, hee! off into his Hee hee, hee! into his Hee hee, hee! into his Hee hee, hee! sister's underpants? Hee hee, hee!

And don't you Hee hee, hee! Hee hee, hee! fuckin' Hee hee, hee! laugh at me. Hee hee, hee! I can't help Hee hee, hee! the fuckin' Hee hee, hee! can't help Hee hee, hee! can't help Hee hee, hee! the fuckin' laughin'. I've Hee hee, hee! got a fuckin' Hee hee, hee! a fuckin' Hee hee, hee! a fuckin' problem here. Hee hee, hee!

What, you gonna laugh Hee hee, hee! laugh at Hee hee, hee! laugh at Hee hee, hee! the handicapped? You Hee hee, hee! fuck.

Sad News

2005-11-23T11:34:00.000-08:00

Dear readers of this blog,

I, Nigel P. Hollingsworth, have the sad duty to report that Wilhelmina has been hospitalized. Apparently, she suffers from schizophrenia, which manifested itself into multiple personalities. According to a handbook on this disease, "sometimes schizophrenia has a rapid or sudden onset. Very dramatic changes in behaviour occur over a few weeks or even a few days. Sudden onset usually leads fairly quickly to an acute episode." Loyal readers will immediately recognize the symptoms from Wilhelmina's recent behavior. In fact, even creating this blog may have been a manifestation of an acute episode. Other incidents include lying about my auto-sexuality issues, especially that of beating off into her dresser drawers, where she keeps the undies. These allegations are completely false.

Some of you may wonder who, exactly, is Wilhelmina. Well, as part of her therapy, Wilhelmina is welcome to maintain this blog. This blog will be monitored by her doctors to keep track of Wilhelmina's many personalities. It is not clear yet who, exactly, Wilhelmina is. Is she the woman with poor grammar? Is she the woman with fine diction? Is she really Shifty McPenis, the cock stealing man from Oireland? Perhaps she is Muhammad Ali, a former boxer now drowning in Parkinson's induced slurred speech. Over the weeks and months, as doctors treat her disease, we hope to find Wilhelmina, whomever she may really be. Rest assured that I, Nigel P. Hollingsworth, really do exist. I really, really do exist.

As loyal readers, when you comment on her adventures, please do not tell her that she suffers from schizophrenia or that her other personalities are not real. At the current time, the doctors felt it best that she is not confronted head-on with reality. Wilhelmina's Web Sundae will be her safe spot, where she is free to express her many personalities, and cultivate more, if necessary.

Thank you for helping my poor sister recover from this disease of the mind. Your continued vigilence is duly noted, and much appreciated.

Happy Thanksgiving,

Nigel P. Hollingsworth

Aye! Hee hee!

2005-11-22T09:51:00.000-08:00

Aye! Shifty McPenis here! Oi've come to tell yer that oim here to steal cohcks. Aye, its mee life's coilling, it 'tis.

Sometoimes aye steal oither things, I do. Loike this password for the Web Suhndae, ye hear? Oive also got a message for all yers out there, I do:

"To foind the loins yer need, you'll 'ave to kill the undead. And that ain't moi oidear of a fair foight. 'ow's about some more ale?"

Aye! Keep yer pants zipped, mee friends and foes aloike! Or you'll notice a draft befoire you'll notice somethin's missin'!

Hee hee!

My GOD!

2005-11-22T06:03:00.000-08:00

I honestly don't know what's come over me the last few...is it days? Weeks? Even months? I don't recall. My teeth are in the most frightful shape, and I woke up this morning dressed like a...a...streetwalker with crusty stains of what appears to be...I'm ashamed to say it...seminal fluid on the front of my brassiere. How is this possible, and why hasn't anyone told me about the horrid state of my dentition?

My head is pounding terribly, and I must retire to the bathroom for an extended period of toothbrushing. It is clear that I require medical, if not psychiatric assistance, and as soon as possible.

But first, I feel very tired. I think a short nap is in order.

bedtime

2005-11-21T14:12:00.000-08:00

hiya. still nut feling 2 gud :-(

ive been blanking out and stuff on the bus and wake up soemwheres else oter than teh bus. my teeth also hurt wich is soemthing im nut used 2. so, 2 cheer myslef up i sing the sinc song but lateley that hasnt helped much.

on oter news, they deprted that aisan ta. turns out hes like soem major stalker or soemthing becuz he stalked me for a while and, well, no one else but still they deprted him back to aisa. he left me a note but i threw it out.

my cat is feeling better now that nigel has been away for a few days. hes spending the week at aunt francines for extended bibel study sessions that sicko.

soeome at skool sed that im dressing like reese wuterspooj and talking funny but i dont kno that person at skool so i cant say fer sure if thats the case or not. i dont even kno wut wuterspooj looks like. do u kno what wuterspooj looks like cuz i sure dont kno wut wuterspooj looks like for sure. i dont like her movies or videogames.

ok. im off to bedtime and naping. heya, send me a message of get wll soon or soemthing so i kno im not alone.

Luh-ll-luh-l-ii-buh-buh-b-b-b-b-rarrrry

2005-11-21T05:45:00.000-08:00

Muh-muh-muh-mmm-my luh-ll-luh-l-ii-buh-buh-b-b-b-b-rarrrry oh-oh-ohoh-oh-puh-pp-pp-p-pened tuh-tuh-tuh-tuh-ttt-t-t-t-t-tttt!!-ooo-duh-duh-day. Thuh-th-th-thhhh-ey thuh-thuh-thuh-thought thuh-thh-thh-thhh-thuh-that Uh-uh-uh-uh-I muh-muh-muh-mm-mighhht nuh-nuh-nnn-not buh-buh-buh-be uh-uh-uh-ware uh-uh-uhf wuh-wuh-wuh-whut wuh-wuh-wuhhhhs guh-gg-g-g-g-going uh-uh-on, buh-buh-buh-b-b-b-b-but Uh-uhuh-I -wuh-wuh-was.

I-i-i-iinn fuh-fuh-fuh-fact Uh-uh-uh-I pu-puh-puhh-lanned tuh-tuh-to suh-suh-sing uh-uh-uhh-uhh-aaa suh-ss-ss-ssss!-song: "Wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh-whyy cuh-cuh-cuh-ccc-c-c-can't wuh-wuh-wuh-weee buh-buh-buh-buhhh-be fuh-fuh-fuh-ffff-ff!-ffrennnnduh-duh-sss, wuh-wuh-wuh-whhhy c-c-c-cuh-can't wuh-w-w-w-wuhhh-weee buh-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-be fuh-ff-f-f-f-ffuh-hhh-renddds..." Uh-uh-uhh-a-a-and thuh-thuh-thuh-then Uh-uh-I wuh-wuh-www-w-wuhhhs guh-guh-going tuh-tuh-tooo suh-suh-suh-ss-s-s-s-sssss!-stuh-startt duh-duh-dd-d-dans-ss-sssing, buh-buh-buhhhht thuh-thuh-thhhey suh-s-s-s-suhh-gg-g-gg-jjjj-jest-tuh-tuh-ted uh-uh-uh-iiit wuh-wuh-wuh-ww-w-w-would buh-buh-buh-bb-bee uh-uh-a buh-buh-b-b-b-b-bad uh-uh-uh-uhhhhh-i-duh-duh-dea, suh-s-s-s-s-o Uh-uh-Ii tuh-tuhhh-took uh-uh-uh buh-buh-bock-ck-ccckkk!-suh-suh-sing suh-suh-st-ttt-tannce.

Uh-uh-uhhh-uh-on thuh-thuh-thh-thehh wuh-wuh-waaay huh-huh-home Uh-uh-uhhh-I tuh-tuh-ttt-told thuh-thuh-them tuh-tuh-tooo suh-suhh-s-s-s-suhh-huh-suh-suck it.

nut feeling gud

2005-11-20T14:07:00.000-08:00

i dont kno wut it is but i havent been feeling so hot. ive been sweating and waking up in strange peoples houses. i havent been drinking more than nurmal but my throat always feels coated in soemthing salty. im prety sure i got drunk and blew that cute guy from chem calss. i remember meating him on cambus and then giong back to his place for a party.

o well.

Like, o my goodness! It's the First Annual Parkinson's Roundtable with Muhammad Ali, Fidel Castro, and Michael J. Fox!

2005-11-18T11:04:00.000-08:00

Wow! Can you believe it! I want all my fans to know that I totally care about you. So, I invited three experts on Parkinson's disease to talk about their experiences with this dreadful, just plain gee whiz awful kind of disease.

I, Reese Witherspoon, America's Sweetheart (can you believe it?) will moderate the discussion. Ready? Here g0-0oes!

Reese (me!): Hello, my distinguished colleagues. We are here today to discuss a simply not-so-good kind of disease, namely Parkinsons. First, let's go around the table and introduce ourselves. I'll go first. I'm Reese Witherspoon, America's Sweetheart.

Muhammad Ali: Ii-i--i-i-i!uh-uh-ii-i uh-uh-uh-a-a-am Muh-muh-muh-ham-ha-ha

Reese (me!): This will take too long. Allow me to introduce my hallowed guests!: Muhummad Ali...

Muhammad Ali: Huhuh-hey Ruh-ruh-ree-reese, fuh-fuh-fuhf-ff-fuhu-huh-uck yuh-yuh-

Reese (me!): Communist leader Fidel Castro...

Fidel Castro: Buh-buh-buh-bweh-bweh-n-n-nn-n!n-n-no-no-nos Nuh-n-uh-noh-n-noh-ch-chchchch!chchch-ches-es.

Reese (me!): And my personal friend, Michael J. Fox!

Michael J. Fox: Huh-huh-heh-he-heh-heya. ya.

Reese (me!): Super! Now, Michael, please tell me a little about what Parkinson's is. I totally want to know.

Michael J. Fox: Wuh-wuh-www-wuh-wuh-well-ell-elllllll Ruh-ruh-ree-ree-rees-ss-ss-se, puh-puh-puh-par-ar-kih-kih-kih-kihnz-zz-zz-zzuh-zuh-zz dih-dih-dih!-dihzz-eee-ease is-is-is uh-uh-uh buh-buh-buh-brai-brai-brain d-duh-duh-d-dddd!-duh-diss-diss-disoh-or-rrr-duh-duh-der.

Reese (me!): Well, that's super-informative! Thank you! Now tell me, Mr. Castro, what are some of the side effects of this disease.

Fidel Castro: Suh-suh-suhm-some uh-uh-uh-of thuh-thuh-the sss-si-si-siduh-duh eff-eff-effe-ect-ectsssss uh-uh-uh-are treh-treh-treh-trem-mmm!mmuh-muh-mors-s-ss.

Muhammad Ali: Duh-duh-duh-don-dont-tt-t fuh-fuh-fuh-ff-f!-fuhfo-for-rr-rr!rrr-guh-guh-ggg-guh-get-ttt muh-muh-muhff-ff-fuh-fuh-fuh!fuh-fl-fl-ddduh-duh spuh-spuh-spuh-spee-spee-chuh-chchch.

Michael J. Fox: Oh-ohoh-oh-orr-r thuh-the sh-shshshsh!sh-ufuff-uffling wuh-wuh-wuh-wal-lll-lk.

Fidel Castro: Suh-suh-see, suh-suh-see-see-see-nnnn!nn-yuh-yuh-yor.

Reese (me!): Well, O...Kay! Now, is there a cure for the disease?

Fidel Castro: Suh-suh-see, thuh-thu-there i-iii-issss. Thuh-thuh see-see-see iii-i-i-i uh-uh-a wuh-wuh-wantststs tuh-tuh sh-sh-shoo-shoo-shoot ii-i-i-ittt uh-uh-out-t-t uh-uh-of muh-muh-muh-me.

Michael J. Fox: Thuh-thu-there ii-i-i-isss nuh-nuhno cuh-cuh-cure, buh-buh-but muh-muh-muh-medd-deh-deh-cuh-cuh-cay-cay-cations-s-s-ss cuh-cuh-ca-ca-

Muhammad Ali: Huh, huh-hey, muh-muh-muh-ii-chae-chae-lllll, i-i-i-i-it suh-suh-suh-sou-sounddd luh-luh-liiiii!-i-kessss yuh-yuh yuh- you tuh-tuh-too-took-k tuh-tuh-too-too muh-muh-mann-nnn-eeee buh-buh-buh-bbbb!b-blow-blowss-sss tuh-tuh-to thuh-thuh-the huh-huh-head-duh-ddd.

Michael J. Fox: Suh-suh-suh-suh-suck suck suck suck i-i-i-itttt, Cuh-cuh-cuh-cash-cash-eee-eee-uh-uhs.

Muhammad Ali: Wuh-wuh-wuh-wat-watch-chchc!ch yo-yourrrr suhsuhsuhsellfff, duh-duh-duhm-mm-bassbass, I-i-i-i-

Reese (me!): Well, that's all I have time for. Thanks for joining us. It was great! For more information suh-suh-suh, ahem, excuse me, *ppprrrrttt* whew, gee, this suh-suhs-stuff is contagious! But you can't catch the disease by touching someone with Parkinsons', because it is a brain disorder and not transmissable by touch, o.k.! Super! Go to the the National Parkinson's Foundation for more information, and give generously. *ppprrrst* *SPLOOSH!* Oh. Oh darn.

Coming Soon! Movie Time with Reese!

2005-11-18T09:11:00.000-08:00

I want to tell all my fans, I LOVE you guys in the RWFC, you know who you ARE! that I have a new movie coming out

*pppprrrrrrrrrppprt*

and, whew, who let the dogs out, huh? anyway, I have a new movie about Johnnie Cash with my good friend

*prrrppppppppprrr* *sssstpprppptt*

Woah, talk about your bad Mexican food. So anyway, it's with

*pppppppprrrrppppt*

*rrrrpptttt*

*sssssssssssssssssssssss*

*PLAH!!!!*

Oh. Oh no. O.k. Be back in a few.

wimmins rites

2005-11-17T08:02:00.000-08:00

heya its me agin an today i had a brunch were i wuz teh gest of onor. it wuz a wimmins rites brunch an theuy had begles and corn flakes. so, they aslo had scrambled egges, but they were runny, like spooch :-)

so after eeting tehy sed i had to say soemting and i sed wut an they sed u r teh gest of onor and i sed i kno and they sed well dont u hav a speech an i sed maybe an they sed dont be shy an i sed im not shy an i took of my shirt an soem lady from teh bac of teh rum sed i kno u an i sed no u dont an she sed yes i do an i sed hiya :-) an she sed i dont pay my dues to wimmins rites orginizashuns so that soem trollop that takes her shirt of in pubic can lecshure me about wimmins rites an i sed i am wimmin here me ror an then peeple started klapping an i sed yay an teh wimmin whu yelld at me sat down an got all red in teh fase an tehn i smiled an then soemwon sed wut happnd to ur teeth an i sed it wuz teh bus drivr an soeomone started booing.

so then, i got up to speek an started talking about my cat rex an wut happnd to him an about that doosh-bag nigel whos alywas beeting one off in my panties an soemone else not that otter lady sed wut r u talkimng aabout an i sed wut r u talking about???? an then peeple started booing agin an i got all confused an they sed this is a krok of shit an i sed wut??? an they tol me to leeve so i ran out an it wuz cold cuz i didnt have my shiort on i lef it in teh rum were teh runny eggs were an then i walked home.

i feel empowrd.